Ceramic Man (Life Cycle of a Tear)

Ceramic man holding life within you

 

Like a potted plant yearning to grow

 

You protect the contents of your being

 

You provide a home for your inner you

 

You water yourself from the tears that never surface

 

They drip from inside your eyes like condensation

 

Slowly making its way down your throat

 

Soothing your larynx

 

Past your lungs, past your heart

 

As you grasp for air and hold hope dear

 

Past your stomach

 

Full of nourishment, but not the kind you crave

 

Past your groin

 

Fully abstained and antisocial

 

Past your legs

 

Propping up what might as well be an empty pot

 

And finally reaching your feet

 

As it wells up into your toes

 

Into your sole

 

Trying desperately to save the life inside you

 

So that you may bloom

 

So that you may blossom

 

The roots of you are so dry and rotted

 

And you have not provided enough tears

 

Most of them did surface

 

Most of them did escape

 

But no one knows about that

 

You watch them go to waste instead of collecting them

 

Letting yourself dry out

 

Letting yourself starve

 

Even avoiding the rain that could save you

 

All that is left is the sun that holds your soft pulse

 

But when the sun goes down you are half alive once more

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Again

It is alive in me once again

 

Shoving its way into place

 

It lies to me yet again

 

It tells me to keep a straight face

 

It is bad now once again

 

I can barely concentrate

 

So I am sorry yet again

 

But you will never be able to relate

 

I tell the same story once again

 

Of why I feel this way

 

And you look at me yet again

 

And tell me it is ok

 

But look, I am tired once again

 

Of dragging you into my mess

 

So excuse me yet again

 

While I privately convalesce

 

I will beat it once again

 

With a word or paintbrush

 

And come out bruised yet again

 

And remember this moment I hate so much

 

I write once again

 

To create this shit away

 

And think to myself yet again

 

How it got to be this way

 

And it is genetics once again

 

That made me who I am

 

Family history yet again

 

That I can’t fight worth a damn

 

So this is my life once again

 

I am reminded time after time

 

So I live on yet again

 

And nurse this curse I get to call mine

Respect Me

This space is reserved for two

And gets to be occupied by few

So when lightheartedness becomes rude

It begins to change my mood

Like how many times do I say enough?

Like why do you think I bluff

When I say I don’t like this?

All these viewpoints that you seem to miss

Sometimes I’m sour when I should feel bliss

But this won’t end anything and I’ll take it in stride

Like I always do because I’m along for the ride

But don’t get too comfortable with insensitivity

Or else you can get comfortable with my inactivity

When I don’t talk for days

And you can try many ways

But I won’t pick up

But we will make up

When I feel you have finally learned

And I feel like I will no longer be burned

So for now things are fine

But I will get what is mine

You will respect me

Or you and I will be history

Will It

If you want it, take it

If you want me, come and get me

I won’t stop you

In fact I encourage it!

But don’t make a fool out of me

Because everyone is someone’s fool

And I can promise you I am not yours

Be direct

I have no time for indirection

And no time for indiscretions

I’m a commodity reserved for few

But few could turn into you

If you will it

Forgive

It’s high time I be less forgiving

Because I give and give but rarely get

None of you pay me

Not with money or food or attention

Love, or otherwise

And I must admit that I never solicited myself for anything

Because it’s in my nature to do these things

I wouldn’t dream of telling you no

But you need to put up or shut the fuck up

Maybe I’m really just evil and a sadist

Being so gentle until I am no longer

So that when I am no longer

You no longer want or need me

And the sting of it all is too much to bear

Sometimes sorry isn’t enough

It is after all just a word

And I’ve learned words are hollow

Hollow like the room I used to have for patience

I will be less forgiving

Or maybe you just need to be less

19:49

Real eyes realize real lies

But can’t hear the outcries

Or see the pink skies

Up above them like cotton candy

But at least be able to focus on me

Let’s find out what could be

Because it could be magic

I know I feel fantastic

When I hear from you it’s like static

Under my skin

Rising up and out from within

That makes me feel like we both can win

Maybe we have nothing to gain

Maybe this whole thing is insane

And maybe you think I’m lame

But we also don’t have anything to lose

So let’s just take it slow and cruise

So slow that you and I lay down and snooze

Chaser

No, I need more in my cup

I need more to shut this up

It’s digging at me like razors

So I’ll take some without any chasers

So I don’t have to think

And not smell this stink

That’s clouding my mind

And turning back time

When I was losing my mind

And was beginning to unwind

While I watched them chase her

And watched the danger

Unfold like paper

With writing from your savior

Saying its ok

That it’s a new day

It is meant to be this way

Go out and do you

Go out and be new

The grass is wet with dew

So clean off your shoes

Don’t track in the mud

Like some inconsiderate dud

Live freely

So people can see me be me freely

And not live in fear

I have people I hold dear

And they love me without condition

So I’ll shove this into remission

You probably don’t know what this is about

Maybe you have some doubt

But don’t

Don’t ask me to explain because I won’t

I’ll just stay in my lane

And do things somewhat the same

Because I was blessed to be made by my maker

And so for that, fill my cup with no chaser

My Thoughts on Depression

In my opinion and unfortunate experience depression is like looking from the outside in at yourself and the outside is cold. You want to be inside with the part of you that is still happy where it’s warm but the door is locked, for now. You would and should keep trying to get inside but right now you are tired, both physically and emotionally. The funny thing is the door locks from the outside and the keys to the door are not entirely impossible to obtain but you are too tired to look for them right now, so for now you remain cold. Maybe you have a jacket and maybe you don’t but either way you’re not inside where it’s comfortable.