19:49

Real eyes realize real lies

But can’t hear the outcries

Or see the pink skies

Up above them like cotton candy

But at least be able to focus on me

Let’s find out what could be

Because it could be magic

I know I feel fantastic

When I hear from you it’s like static

Under my skin

Rising up and out from within

That makes me feel like we both can win

Maybe we have nothing to gain

Maybe this whole thing is insane

And maybe you think I’m lame

But we also don’t have anything to lose

So let’s just take it slow and cruise

So slow that you and I lay down and snooze

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Both Ways

One way streets are so fleeting

And until l now it left me with no feelings

But it did leave me fearing and hard of hearing

Of my own thoughts

It was never lying but maybe some concealing

And I played the game somewhat well without revealing

But at all times denying and at times crying and sighing

For help and confidence

Because what this is can be stigmatizing

And so I was better off “hiding”

But that was demoralizing

So I stopped

Now I’m realizing that when the sun is rising

It is a blessing that I am still living

No more conspiring against myself and fleeing

Only loving openly and seeing

That one way streets are fleeting

Which is why I can have it both ways

Chaser

No, I need more in my cup

I need more to shut this up

It’s digging at me like razors

So I’ll take some without any chasers

So I don’t have to think

And not smell this stink

That’s clouding my mind

And turning back time

When I was losing my mind

And was beginning to unwind

While I watched them chase her

And watched the danger

Unfold like paper

With writing from your savior

Saying its ok

That it’s a new day

It is meant to be this way

Go out and do you

Go out and be new

The grass is wet with dew

So clean off your shoes

Don’t track in the mud

Like some inconsiderate dud

Live freely

So people can see me be me freely

And not live in fear

I have people I hold dear

And they love me without condition

So I’ll shove this into remission

You probably don’t know what this is about

Maybe you have some doubt

But don’t

Don’t ask me to explain because I won’t

I’ll just stay in my lane

And do things somewhat the same

Because I was blessed to be made by my maker

And so for that, fill my cup with no chaser

Heavy

I feel heavy

There is a dark, massive blanket covering my body

My whole self is weak trying to keep standing

But I fight through the burning in my legs

But for how much longer?

I feel cold

This dark, massive blanket is wet

The water is cold and seeps into my skin

And then that water chills my soul

So that now I am frozen

Frozen in time and stuck in this feeling

I tend to an ever dwindling fire inside

But for how much longer?

I feel tired

I am so tired of holding this blanket up

I am tired of feeling heavy

I am tired of feeling cold

But I have to remain awake

But I can’t do it much longer

Soon

All artists are sad or have been sad

Wow, beauty really is mad

Aren’t we all sad, just a tad?

Happy can’t last forever? Damn!

It’s a truth that is forever denied

If one is sad it is always kept inside

What a shame, you always have to hide

Well, you don’t have to hide

But exposure and pity coincide

And pity you will not have

You will not be felt sorry for

For your pride is overgrown

Emotion must never be shown

Because you are man?

Hold on

Don’t become heavy with stereotypes

Don’t give in to that fake hype

Own it

Show it

Feel it

Then destroy it

Have a fit

Be a misfit

But don’t hide it

For now it is strong

It is holding on

To the you that you want to be

Your old self is protected from yourself

From me?

Why from me?

Because now you are weak

But you must become strong

The strength has been inside you all along

So own it

Feel it

Show it

It may be hard now

But victory is around a corner

Maybe not the next corner

But a corner soon approaching

Blue

Celebrate the small victories

Ride that high for a while

Let all the love come to me

That gives me reasons to smile

For an instant things were great

Things were as they should be

I hadn’t felt down as of late

But now that feeling has come to haunt me

I’m not ignorant of my blessings

I know there are people around

But when those people try to say things

I can barely hear their sounds

It’s exhausting, taxing, and heavy

But I don’t blame it on anyone

Because this was meant for me

So I’ll deal with it until it’s done

I know this feeling too well, it has no disguise

It comes out of the blue and leaves me blue

So maybe I’ll try to paint and watch that paint dry

But unfortunately I have lost interest in that too

My Thoughts on Depression

In my opinion and unfortunate experience depression is like looking from the outside in at yourself and the outside is cold. You want to be inside with the part of you that is still happy where it’s warm but the door is locked, for now. You would and should keep trying to get inside but right now you are tired, both physically and emotionally. The funny thing is the door locks from the outside and the keys to the door are not entirely impossible to obtain but you are too tired to look for them right now, so for now you remain cold. Maybe you have a jacket and maybe you don’t but either way you’re not inside where it’s comfortable.

ACT I

Scene I

This scene takes place in the psychiatry office of Dr. Frederick Sonne. Alec is in the private office where patients receive therapy with Dr. Sonne. Alec is on a mahogany brown leather couch alone with a light brown pillow tucked underneath his left arm. Alec is on the left side of the couch facing the doctor as far from the center of the couch as he possibly can be. The doctor is sitting facing the couch that Alec is sitting on. The doctor is sitting in a finely upholstered red chair with stately arms and legs. It can be noticed that the doctor’s chair is worn but it looks comfortable nonetheless. The walls in the private office are an off white and there are several paintings hanging on the wall. The paintings are crude but oddly pleasing to the eye and are all signed by the same artist “TC”. There are a few small potted plants around the room. There is a side table next to the doctor’s chair that houses several notepads and pens. Alec’s mother is in the waiting room alone. Dr. Sonne has no receptionist and his entire office consists of the private office and the waiting room. No discernible words can be heard from the waiting room.  

Dr. Sonne: How do you feel?

Alec: (responding with an attitude) Fine.

Dr. Sonne: (looking at Alec, writing notes in his notepad, then looking back up at Alec) How’s school going for you?

Alec: Good I guess. Nothing really changes.

Dr. Sonne: How has your mood been?

Alec: My mood?

Dr. Sonne: Do you still feel sad most of the time? Anxious? Do you still have that feeling in your chest?

Alec: Yeah. I still spend most of my time alone if you’re wondering that too. Still quiet.

Dr. Sonne: (writing notes in his notepad then looking up at Alec) So you would say your mood has worsened since I saw you last, stayed the same, or improved?

Alec: (breaking eye contact and sitting there thinking for a few seconds) It’s the same.

Dr. Sonne: Have there been any negative stimuli in your life recently? Any good moments?

Alec: No.

Dr. Sonne: Hmm.

Dr. Sonne reaches for a different, smaller pad of paper from his side table and begins writing on the lines of the paper.

Dr. Sonne: I’m recommending you begin taking anti-depressants.

Alec: (looking Dr. Sonne dead in his eyes with a straight face) Are you serious?

Dr. Sonne: Your depression hasn’t improved since I last saw you. We’ve been seeing each other for just over two months now and your condition has gotten worse and stagnated since we first began. I was hoping increased therapy sessions would be enough but I think medication in addition to our sessions is the best treatment for you now.

Alec: It’s not gonna work (getting frustrated). I don’t need medication.

Dr. Sonne: You don’t know that. You need to give it a try.

Alec: (leaning in towards the doctor from the couch and speaking softly and in an angry tone of voice) I’m not taking any fucking medicine like some psycho. I’m not crazy.

Dr. Sonne: No one said you were crazy, Alec. If you really don’t want to take the medicine that’s your choice but at least take the prescription and if you don’t want to take it then you don’t have to but at least get the prescription filled in case you ever need it.

Dr. Sonne rips the prescription from the small pad of prescription paper and holds it out in front of Alec to take from his hand but Alec just looks at it from the couch.

Dr. Sonne: Alec please take this. I can’t force you to take the medication but please get it filled. It is for your own benefit.

Alec takes the prescription from Dr. Sonne begrudgingly and looks at it then looks back at Dr. Sonne.

Alec: Fine, but only because my mom will kill me if I don’t listen to you.

Dr. Sonne: This is about you, Alec. Not even your mother can make you take this medication.

Alec: So she’s not gonna ask why I’m walking out of here with a prescription for anti-depressants? Yeah, right.

Dr. Sonne: You have confidentiality with me and you’re twenty-one so your mother doesn’t even have to know about this. You know I’m never legally able to discuss our meetings with anyone unless you give me permission. Put the prescription in your pocket if it means that much to you.

Alec: (giving a half-hearted smile to the doctor and speaking sarcastically) No let’s bring her in. Let’s tell her. She should hear about me being medicated so I don’t overdose and kill myself.

Alec’s mother enters the room and Alec walks out and waits in the waiting room for his mother. Alec slams the door behind him.

Act I

Scene II

In this scene Alec, Alec’s mother Anne, and Dr. Sonne are still at the psychiatry office. Anne is in the private office with Dr. Sonne and Alec is in the waiting room following his session with Dr. Sonne. The waiting room is a pale yellow with three large navy blue upholstered couches surrounding a large brown coffee table. There are several scattered magazines on the coffee table and some of them have been collecting dust. In one corner of the waiting room there are some children’s toys. Alec is playing on his iPhone while his mother is talking with the doctor behind the closed door.

 

Anne: How did it go today?

Dr. Sonne: Has your soon been displaying any alarming behavior recently?

Anne: (her soft smile slowly turning into a soft frown and acting surprised) What? What do you mean?

Dr. Sonne: His depression has not improved since I saw him last time and I think he may be exhibiting signs of suicidal thoughts.

Anne looks at Dr. Sonne and buries her face in both of her hands then holds her head while looking down at the floor. Dr. Sonne has both hands balled up with his elbows resting on the arms of the chair with his right leg crossed over his left leg and is looking at Anne.

Dr. Sonne: Anne?

Anne: How do you know? I know he’s depressed but I haven’t seen any signs of that. He’s just quiet is all.

Dr. Sonne: Anne, before he walked out of here he said you should know about the prescription I wrote for him in case he overdosed and killed himself.

Anne: (speaking defensively) What? Well how did he say it? Was it in a joking manner? I’m sure he wasn’t serious!

            Dr. Sonne looks at Anne with a worried face and slightly raises his voice.

Dr. Sonne: Anne it doesn’t matter if he was joking or not! Either way he said it in this office. You should be concerned. The medication I prescribed him can be addictive if they’re not taken properly!

Anne: (speaking defensively and getting angry) I don’t think he meant to say it the way he did!

Dr. Sonne: I know this is not easy to deal with your child being depressed and it’s certainly not easy accepting the fact that your child may be suicidal but denying these facts is only putting Alec at risk. Now this medicine can help him get his thoughts and feelings under control in addition to our therapy sessions. Only thing is he said he won’t take the medication.

Anne: Well what am I supposed to do? I can’t make him take it!

Dr. Sonne: I recommend getting the prescription filled, crushing one pill a day and putting it in one of his meals.

Anne: (speaking angrily) So you want me to drug my son?

Dr. Sonne: It’s not drugging. This medicine can save his life. Anne, your son is suicidal. Our sessions aren’t enough anymore.

            Anne looks at the doctor with tears beginning to well up in her eyes.

Dr. Sonne: (leaning slightly in towards Anne) I know this is hard but this is the best thing to do for Alec. You don’t have to use the whole prescription. Just try the medication for a week and see if there’s any improvement but we won’t know if this medication will help Alec unless we try.

Anne: (sniffling and wiping a few tears from her face) Well won’t he find out I’m putting it in his food?

Dr. Sonne: I do this with some of my older patients. Just crush the pill until it’s a fine powder then sprinkle it in to foods like mashed potatoes, sandwiches, or other soft foods. If it’s done right he won’t be able to taste it. You could put it in drinks even. Just mix it well!

Anne: Are there any side effects?

Dr. Sonne: Not really. He may feel a little tired and occasionally may feel nauseous but otherwise he should feel fine. He’s not allergic to anything is he?

Anne: No.

Dr. Sonne: Good.

Anne: You know my husband has suffered from depression before, too. And my brother!

            Dr. Sonne writes down some notes in his notepad.

Dr. Sonne: Would you say mental illness runs in your family?

Anne: I mean…I wouldn’t say so. No.

Dr. Sonne: Can you think of anyone else in your family who has ever suffered from depression or any other mental illness. Your mother? Father? Cousins? Aunts?

Anne thinks for a few seconds and looks around the room in thought, avoiding eye contact with the doctor.

Anne: No, not that I can think of.

Dr. Sonne: Hmm. It’s possible that family history of mental illness can be causing Alec’s depression. You said your husband has been depressed?

Anne: Yes.

Dr. Sonne: And what is your husband’s name?

Anne: Stephen.

            Dr. Sonne writes more notes in his notepad.

Dr. Sonne: Hmm and how is Stephen’s relationship with Alec? Is it good?

Anne: Yeah, it’s good. They talk a lot but not as much as they used to since Alec’s depression has gotten worse.

Dr. Sonne: What things do they do together? What do they talk about?

Anne: (trying to come up with something to say) I mean…sometimes they…

            Dr. Sonne looks at Anne with a soft smile waiting for her response to his question

Anne: Stephen works a lot so they haven’t been able to talk a lot (she says this nervously while shaking her head up and down frantically)

Dr. Sonne: What does your husband do if you don’t mind me asking?

Anne: (looking at Dr. Sonne nervously and speaking quickly) He can’t tell us. Something with the government. Top secret!

Dr. Sonne spends several seconds writing in his notepad while Anne looks anxiously at him writing. The doctor finally looks up and smiles at Anne.

Dr. Sonne: How is your husband’s relationship with you?

Anne’s phone vibrates in her purse. She pulls her phone out and she looks down to see a text from Alec reading “Let’s go!”

Anne: (speaking quickly and rushing to put her phone back in her purse) I’m so sorry, doctor. I forgot I have another obligation today and I need to head out now. Thank you so much for today!

Dr. Sonne: (surprised) Alright, well the copay for today is $35. Do you want to set up Alec’s next appointment now or-

Anne: (pulling out the checkbook from her purse and tearing out a blank check) Uh I’ll call you and set it up. Um, here just write in the check. I’ll call to set up the appointment tomorrow. Thanks so much!

            Anne opens the door to the waiting room and closes the door behind her.

Alec: What the fuck was the hold up? Are you crying?

Anne: Let’s just go, Alec.

Alec and Anne leave the office and take the elevator to the ground floor. They leave the building and walk towards Anne’s car.