Wake Up

What am I waking up for

When I wake up alone?

What am I waking up for

When no one hears my soft tone?

 

What am I waking up for

When I’m loved from far away?

What am I waking up for

When the ones I love don’t stay?

 

What am I waking up for

When I have all these thoughts?

What am I waking up for

When all seems lost?

 

What am I waking up for

When I’m stuck on repeat?

What am I waking up for

When all I feel is defeat?

 

What am I waking up for

When I am taken for granted?

What am I waking up for

When my world becomes slanted?

 

And why should I wake up for those who do not wake up for me?

When I could just sleep in ignorance. Yes. Sleep for eternity.

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After Twenty Two

Encounter I, “ça va?”

 

After twenty two something changed in me

I became who I have always been, who I needed to be

The metal bars dissolved into sand and blew away

And that confined space where I resided I decided I would no longer stay

“Out into this new world, my new world” I told myself

Without really knowing what to do and without asking for help

So I asked for advice, some good and some ill advised

And into my new world I went, naïve and extremely unwise

Two days after twenty two I had my first encounter: my French speaker

Egged on by my irrational conscience which had been made weaker

By my beloved mules which had acted as fuel

To make me less me and slightly less cruel

So onward we entered into dull conversation, such as random people do

“ça va?” “oui ça va bien et tu?”

I wish I could say that encounter had led to something more

But instead it ended up being a bore

Because nothing came of it other than increased self confidence

A feeling I rarely feel, almost like a sixth sense

Like I can barely tap into it but when I do

I can assure you it will be over for you

After twenty two was fun

But I am afraid I am not done

After Twenty Two

Encounter II, Whiskey Sour

 

French speaker and I had become no more

We both had exited through our own separate doors

I sung my goodbye song and maybe French speaker did too

But as I said before you are wrong if you think I’m through

Because that time after twenty two was magical

Damaging, eye opening, care free and whimsical

So onto the next escapade; whiskey sour

This was a night when I felt I had a lot of power

As I had been asked out based on my looks and manners

And lucky for me whiskey sour was quite the looker and the planner

So we met for drinks and you can guess what we drank

I would have preferred something else but for that I would have walked the plank

For I was already so far from home and didn’t want to be rude

So I went along with it like I always do, because I’m too nice and I didn’t want to ruin the mood

Anyways, we danced and we kissed until we went back to an apartment

Where whiskey sour and I felt very similar sentiments

Sentiments that I am not ashamed to say we acted on

And that was that, so let us move on

I sprinted back to the subway to get home as it was now very late

And as I ran I was looking back on this date

And thinking about how tender, awkward and sweet it all was

Until the subway arrived and was on my way but smiling to myself because

I could feel myself finally starting to live freely as myself

And it didn’t matter who else saw, I was doing this for nobody else

Whiskey sours are both bitter and sweet and I will leave this story at that

But I’m still not done so there will be more when I come back

After Twenty Two

Encounter III, Lifelong Regret & Shame

 

Whiskey Sours are good every once in a while

They can be tasty and they can make me smile

But all in all one or two are enough for me

And with that I dive into encounter number three; four-twenty

Four-twenty had been met through rather salacious means

And this is one I’m not proud of, one I would like wiped clean

I was meant to be somewhere else until I made the decision

To meet four-twenty in a an apartment lobby then to an elevator which locked us in

Locked us in its metallic prison

Then four-twenty was on me without asking for permission

Making out with me furiously

As I was frozen wondering curiously

“Is this what I bargained for?”

“Like, am I wanting more?”

“Can I just stop and open the door”

“Or is it too late? Am I already a whore?”

Until the prison doors opened and we were free once again

Walking down a surprisingly ornate hallway while I watched numbers go by, “409” and “410”

Until we got to The Apartment, 420

And then what I had agreed to previously was all starting to come to me

I didn’t really want to play my part

But I felt it was too late and at some point it would have to start

I was offered a drink to which I refused twice

Until it was poured for me anyways and again I decided to be nice

Because I would rather be nice than cause a scene

Which has always been a weakness of mine, but rather that than be mean

To make a long story short I did what I went there to do to and felt terrible about it all

Because there was no part of it that was enjoyable to me and it was a night I wish to not recall

Looking back now I should have left

But I didn’t want to steal a “good time”, I didn’t want to be accused of theft

I told a few friends about it in a different light and told myself that it was fun

But in my own dark reality I had betrayed myself and I was just happy it was done

Writing this all out is nice and cathartic because I rid myself of the shame and partake in self-healing

Of having allowed myself to partake in treachery and to commit treason on my own being

And what I ask is that you not feel sorry for me because I reject pity

Just understand what you have read and be good, just do that for me

After Twenty Two

Epilogue

 

So I assume you may be wondering what you just read

It wasn’t me just rambling on and not me going brain dead

All encounters were based in fact and were lived experiences

Some for good and some for bad but I think you can tell the differences

I suppose I’m stronger for all of them in some roundabout way

And after all the things I wrote there are still things I wish to say

You see, I have written all my work thus far in a gender neutral fashion

This was to protect myself but also to give a reader something to relate to, something to catch them

Some people who really know me can at least attempt to understand me

To other people who suspect me, all they can do is look from the outside in and see

Watch me write what I have to say with conviction and truth and emotion

While I let my words drown me in an ocean

Of memories both good and bad

Where I was smiling, was drunk and felt glad

While other times I felt grief and shame

Which I hate to admit had left me dumb and lame

After twenty two was a time of awakening and acquiescence

And my eyes and mind have not shut since

It took me twenty two years to await the day

When I could finally look at and tell myself and my parents that I am gay

So there you have it, I am ambiguous no more

So don’t be shocked, but if you are find the nearest door

Because I’m done living this long lie

And I have no more reasons to hide

Because everyone I truly love knows and accepts me

For who I am and for that I can die happily

I suppose it’s the best kept secret I was never truly keeping

But one I suppose I was never openly admitting

There’s much more to me than this and for that I am happy

Because I never want to be fully understood or ever overly sappy

I’m best enjoyed at a calculated distance

But maybe I’d let the right person in, for instance

I live my life by the famous saying of King Ludwig II of Bavaria, a saying I often, to myself, utter

“I wish to remain an eternal enigma to myself and to others”

New work coming soon!

Everyone has a story and everyone has to decide if, when and how they will share that story. Well, I have many stories to tell but I will never tell all of them. However, there is one thing I wish to convey through a series of upcoming autobiographical poems. Some may find them salacious, funny, sad or maybe even slightly disturbing but I find them cathartic. I have many truths and I’m choosing to share some of them concerning the events that took place in the following days after I completed my twenty second lap around the sun. I am respectful of those I refer to and no identities are revealed. Only truths. My truth.

Fête and Regret

Me, myself and I

My cup, this straw and this Skyy

Giving new meaning to Skyy high

Sipping slowly but with intent

Drink

Lose control of self

Clink

Let us toast to new beginnings

Sink

Drown in the euphoria

And transcend time

Then come to in the next minute

Sick

What have I done?

Click

Why did you post that?

Trick

I’ve been played again

Respect Me

This space is reserved for two

And gets to be occupied by few

So when lightheartedness becomes rude

It begins to change my mood

Like how many times do I say enough?

Like why do you think I bluff

When I say I don’t like this?

All these viewpoints that you seem to miss

Sometimes I’m sour when I should feel bliss

But this won’t end anything and I’ll take it in stride

Like I always do because I’m along for the ride

But don’t get too comfortable with insensitivity

Or else you can get comfortable with my inactivity

When I don’t talk for days

And you can try many ways

But I won’t pick up

But we will make up

When I feel you have finally learned

And I feel like I will no longer be burned

So for now things are fine

But I will get what is mine

You will respect me

Or you and I will be history

Will It

If you want it, take it

If you want me, come and get me

I won’t stop you

In fact I encourage it!

But don’t make a fool out of me

Because everyone is someone’s fool

And I can promise you I am not yours

Be direct

I have no time for indirection

And no time for indiscretions

I’m a commodity reserved for few

But few could turn into you

If you will it

Forgive

It’s high time I be less forgiving

Because I give and give but rarely get

None of you pay me

Not with money or food or attention

Love, or otherwise

And I must admit that I never solicited myself for anything

Because it’s in my nature to do these things

I wouldn’t dream of telling you no

But you need to put up or shut the fuck up

Maybe I’m really just evil and a sadist

Being so gentle until I am no longer

So that when I am no longer

You no longer want or need me

And the sting of it all is too much to bear

Sometimes sorry isn’t enough

It is after all just a word

And I’ve learned words are hollow

Hollow like the room I used to have for patience

I will be less forgiving

Or maybe you just need to be less